science fiction writing by ed, age 11

10.11.20

World's End - by Ed

The isolated, abandoned house let in no sunlight. When the extraterrestrial opened the door a cloud of dust flew into there eyes. After they had done with clearing out the dust from there eyes there was another door with a blue light shining in from the crevaces in it. Its my turn? I have to open the door. I opened the door it was a holographic bear it approached me slowly.

See below:

A fantastic way to start a story Ed. It immediately creates an uneasy feeling in the reader. Immediatey adding an alien into the story takes us by surprise and I definitely wanted to read on. You used a couple of short, snappy sentences (Its my turn?  and   I have to open the door) and this helps the paragraph to be more interesting to read. One of them was even a rhetorical question! Take a look at the mix of first and third person (they and I). We normally say not to do this, but I think it works here. Also we'll have a look at homophones (there / their/ they're). Thank you for sharing your story starter. It was a pleasure to read and great to see that you've been revising your ideas as you went along!