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continuing a story from a given text - by tom


This piece of writing is full of figurative language and the structure is fantastic Tom. You use the flashback technique right at the beginning - this is a great way to appeal to the emotions of your reader. My heart was in my mouth reading it.

Your punctuation is very accurate and this helps to guide your reader in how you would like them to read the information - so this is very important! A great example of this, is the sentence: 

I then found a meteorite-like rock; the sand stood no chance against that.

Stranded, by Tom

As I scampered to find some shelter for the night, I thought about my family and how many adventures we had had together. As my heart eased with sadness, I found a deserted village. Once I stepped into the perimeter of the village, there was a deafening silence. The air tasted bitter sweet. I tried to find a house without a rank smell and without being filled with cobwebs. I then tried to get some sleep so that I could explore the island tomorrow.

It was the next day when I trotted around the island-with only 2 hours of sleep. As I walked round the island, I discovered a volcano. I wondered if the villagers had left because of this. Suddenly, I found a gravestone; I questioned who had an unfortunate death in this terrible place.

Ivy strangled the bottom of each palm tree. The limbs of all of them about to die because of lack of water. They seemed to whisper to me, “Get off the island!” I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I was stranded. I wanted to keep the trees alive. Thankfully, the storm did not take may pocket knife so I could cut the strangled ivy off the trees.

I finally cut all the ivy off the trees. I then found a meteorite-like rock; the sand stood no chance against that. Would the island’s secrets now unfold? The rock looked like it had carved, bold letters saying, “beware of the volcano!” I thought I didn’t need to be concerned about that but... suddenly, I heard a rumble from the volcano. I felt a firm and quick punch in my chest. It was fear.

The volcano spewed molten lava out of its hole, on the top. I thought this volcano was like Vesuvius, the volcano that destroyed Pompeii, because the lava looked scarlet red. I ran like a bullet towards the debris of the boat. It was all the protection I had. I thought about my family again and how they would feel (well, my parents not my brothers, they would say that they were happy and they would get my monitor). Suddenly the noise of the volcano vanished. The molten, burning hot lava stopped right next to my boat. If the heat of the lava had touched my boat, it would have obliterated it...