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Children's writing: a story with given criteria - by Dhilan


What a great story, Dhilan. Thank you so much for sharing. Your task was to write a story, including a boat, a storm and two friends. I really enjoyed reading it, and I loved the cliff hanger ending. I can see that you have been working very hard indeed to incorporate all the new techniques that you are learning. Your story has an excellent structure across the three paragraphs with a great mix of detail about the setting and the characters. You have used figurative language so well – simile, metaphor, onomatopoeia and personification – and have used very powerful and well-chosen verbs and adjectives to paint an accurate picture in all parts of the story. The characters are clearly different, and you have shown their differing personalities brilliantly in their actions and speech. This is what we mean by ‘Show, Don’t Tell’. I hope you are proud of yourself and the writing that you are producing.

Let's read!

Gone Fishing by Dhilan 

On holiday, Amir and James were inseparable. They would spend every minute together.  One morning the boys decided to go fishing.  Foolishly, they didn’t listen to their parent's warnings. Up ahead at the harbour, a small wooden boat was rotting.  As soon as Amir saw it his head lit up with an idea, they would cross the Atlantic Ocean! James was not fond of this idea, however he decided to tag along.  Thrilled, Amir clambered into the boat and plonked himself at the front. Little did he know, his so-called fun experience would turn into a disaster.  Nervous that he may never see land again, James rowed the boat out of the harbour and into the sea, despite his reservations.  

“Wow, look at the myriad of fish” whispered Amir.

Whish swash went the waves.  

“Never mind the fish, our boat has a leak!” cried James.  

In a matter of seconds the boat filled with water and capsized.  As James and Amir swam from the wreckage of what used to be their boat, they realised they were miles away from shore, with no chance of calling for help.  They were doomed!  Waves as tall as a mountains battered them, as they struggled for air. The sky changed from  bright blue to black, and thunder roared all around them.  The sea was a monster, devouring its prey.  Trembling in fear, James bit his lip as the storm got closer and closer. Struck dead with terror, his heart pounded in his chest as he began to weep. Slivered to a halt, Amir could swim no further. HIs legs, felt like logs and his arms ached with the effort of keeping afloat. 

When all hope was lost, a big steal hook lifted the two boys up from the raging sea, saving them from drowning. Before collapsing they saw the un-mistakable sign of a skull and cross bones printed on a flag, flying high from a mast on a gigantic wooden ship.  

“PPPirates...” stammered Amir.   

“ We should have listened to our parents ” sobbed James.