Children's writing: a story - by Alicia

This is a superb piece of story writing, Alicia, because it has a clear structure to guide your reader. It is laced with wonderfully chosen imagery for the phoenix-like bird and this creates tension and changes the mood. Excellent!

Let's read ...

The Bird

Last year, my 10-year-old friend Rachel and 11-year-old me went to Mount Eagrey; I insist you NOT to go there YET. You might not be trained appropriately and do NOT have special equipment. You will face LOTS of danger there ...

After the mission in England, Rachel and I went to Mount Eagrey for a secret mission ... to find out about its biggest secret:  the beasts, its fossils, rock samples and ancient rocks. We were given a big backpack which you can put lots of things inside: a bottle of sleeping liquid, shrinking juice, enlarging juice, healing potion, protective potion, a cage, and hiking equipment.

On the way to Mount Eagrey in the private jet with private pilot, I figured out that if Rachel and I started our journey from the secret base (where we do all our training) to Mount Eagrey, it will be at least a week of travel since it was located in a very remote part of the world.

When we arrived at the bottom of the hill, a whisk of fresh air woke us up, cheering us, “Go! You can do it!” We looked at the gigantic mountain with horrified expressions. Both of our faces had turned pearl-white, by just looking at the coffee-brown rocks. I closed my eyes then slapped myself, trying to wake myself up and wished to see the familiar background of my cozy bedroom, but no---- this is no dream; this was real life.

Seventy-two hours later, Rachel and I still had 20 kilometres until we reach the middle of the painful, difficult, exhausting, and slimy rocks that were so sharp that they could cause a wound that kept bleeding. Although it was tiring, we made some interesting discoveries that kept us in a good mood for days, like crystals, hideous insects which fainted when they saw me in a protective uniform (the ones doctors use).

Four weeks later, we arrived at the top! Staring at the marmalade sun in the middle of the arctic-blue sky, how pretty we thought! Suddenly, a shadow loomed over us; it was gigantic with brilliant crimson-red and golden-yellow feathers and a sharp beak that was as sharp as an arrow and could chomp a hole into your strongest bones. It had flames surrounding itself, and looked beadily at Rachel who had retired to a corner, shaking. In a flash of light, I spilled the protective potion over us and jumped down the cliff and activated trampolines at the bottom of Mount Eagrey. It was very terrifying since it took us at least five and a half week to reach the top and now we were jumping down at a superb speed and maybe without air, who knows what a person will do when busy escaping from an eagle or phoenix like creature and trying not to die from jumping a five and a half week journey!

As we were about to land, we activated our para shoots and landed safely. We deactivated the trampoline, and I waved my hands frantically at the eagle and jumped out of the way as the eagle’s beak smashed to the ground and we caged it.

It had been a terrifying mission but it was very exciting😁!