a magical moment - by aditi
This start of your story takes us into a yummy, magical world Aditi! Thank you for sharing it with us. You have created a nice tension between the characters by showing that the girl starts by believing that her aunt is boring, but then turns out to be surprised by a secret. You worked really hard to revise your work by checking punctuation and tenses - and you've done a top job. You include adverbial opening phrases, a rhetorical question, brackets, commas and powerful adjectives. In your other writing, I have seen you use wonderful personification and similes, so I am looking forward to seeing you add them to this writing as well. Well done!
A Magical Moment - by Aditi
My mother forced me to go to my boring Aunt M's house, which was so small that only five people could fit in it (but little did I know that there were many secrets ahead of me). When we reached our destination, she was laying on her couch. Mum said that she was a bit sick, so I had to take care of her. The next morning, she was shouting my name as loud as she could. I hurried down thinking she was in grave pain, but it turned out she just wanted a pillow from her room. So, I left the room thinking, ‘who shouts like that just for a pillow?’ As I went back up into her room, there was an unfamiliar object that was glowing at the corner and it caught my eye. Wondering if it were a diary with a phone inside it, or maybe there was more to it, I tried to resist opening it. The seal broke and it opened suddenly. A magical glow burst out of it. In just a few seconds, I was transported into another dimension full of candy.
Not believing my eyes, I winced at the bright, bubbling candy machines pumping sicky sweet fumes into the sterile factory. I could see rainbow lollypop streetlights, popping thunder clouds and inky chocolate waterfalls with marshmallow strawberry signs. Just think – my boring, old aunt had a hidden world!