Children's writing: rewrite and improve a story - by Ethan
Thank you for sharing your wonderful story with us, Ethan. We looked at a text and we rewrite and improved it. But, you have taken it to the next level! What an imagination you have. This is an intriguing plot and because you have been working so hard on developing your descriptions, you can now include them effortlessly in your writing. The descriptions engage the reader and help them to imagine what's going on and how the characters are feeling. And, this makes them want to read on! Well done!
Let's read ...
The fresh summer wind was passing now and then, and the bright sunny sun was beaming upon the chirping bird. However, many earthworms were burrowing all the way until they reached stones! It was almost as if they were fleeing from an enemy. An inventor boy called Tom was fully armoured with his super metal gloves and wings. He kindly built a refuge underground in Gruesome Forest to protect animals from being stampeded by Big Evil Giant (BEG) who smashed any creatures in its way. He was proud of himself while the animals joyfully bounced around him. After a while, he finished building the refuge and made the interior look nice! It was ready to be used. He invited his friend, Billy, over to view it.
The camouflaged entrance was a heavy-weight secret trapdoor built in the ground which was hidden in grass and bushes. When Tom stamped on the grass five times, it revealed itself. Tom and Billy plunged into the hole and onto a slide. It was an exhilarating experience to enjoy the upsurge of wind while sliding down to the underground refuge! The blood rushed to their brains making them feel contented.
Looking around with astonishment, Billy gazed at the amazing test tubes on a polished tables and the different armour stands! Billy couldn’t resist the temptation to try them out.
“Wow! Look at these, Tom! They are so cool” squealed Billy.
“I’ve always wanted to be a knight!” laughed Tom.
He quickly put on diamond armour and pretended to be a superhero. What he didn’t know was that (luckily) the diamond armour could withstand the power of an atomic bomb.
All of a sudden, the earth started trembling. Tom and Billy were quivering all over and all the fragile gadgets shattered to the ground. Out of nowhere, BEG with a fireball sceptre came crashing down from the ceiling. By the look of his downturned mouth, he was in a grumpy mood. He destroyed all the things inside the refuge and scraped the marble.
As bright as a button, Tom and Billy drank enough strength potions at the last second. Tom charged at BEG and knocked him back a couple of metres away. BEG blasted Tom with a fireball from his sceptre, knocking him out. Billy froze with horror but to save Tom and himself, he thought, I need to unleash all my power. He charged himself up with electricity from a power socket and hurled multiple lightning bolts at BEG to scare him out of the forest forever. The ear-piercing noise from the fight woke Tom up. He glanced at the totally destructed refuge turning to a ruin; he needed to rebuild it from scratch.