back to Writing by Students

Children's writing: improving and extending a paragraph - by Ethan


Thank you for sharing your writing, Ethan! Your task was to improve a paragraph by including an extended metaphor of the fire being a monster, and add dialogue. Also, your task was to continue the story into a second paragraph. Well done for achieving this. This is a joy to read because you are now developing your ideas for both the characters and setting as a way of giving your reader more details and moving the plot forwards. To add to your extended metaphor, you have chosen personification for the fire (bursts with joy), as well as adding well-chosen verbs and adjectives to contribute to the overall atmosphere of the writing. Ending with ellipses creates tension and leaves us on a cliffhanger. Super job!

Let's read!

Forest Fright - by Ethan

Today (a back-breaking day) started with collecting itsy-bitsy bundles of leafy twigs. The twigs that got chucked on the monstrous fire were burning down to ashes speedily. Smoke was rising, and sparks were flying high into the air. This demanding savage needed more food, fuel and care. I glared at Emma, and she glared back at me. “We have to get more twigs from the forest,” declared Emma.

“It is so dark and damp out there though!” I complained.

“Fine, we will stay here and try to blow the fire till it bursts with joy,” answered Emma. Both of us hesitated to trudge back to the forest to continue the torture chore: collecting debris and twigs. However, this was only the beginning.

Around us was nothing but darkness and chunky trees with gargantuan canopies. We stared at our ravenous monster and sighed. Lucky for us, we had stored up loads of nourishment, enough to last us for a few days. We had two piles of fresh cheese, five packets of scrumptious bread and a heater which was accompanied by a fridge and freezer. We sat down on our well-built chairs and waited for the chicken to roast. Before long, Emma suggested getting some more bundles of twigs for the last time. Although I feared the dark, it was the only choice not to lose the fire. As terrified as scaredy-cats, we ventured off into the woods once more…